It seems as though I only write at the time of a season change...Mmmm...maybe that should be my first clue that I have too much on my plate! But oh how I love fall. Amidst all of the lists of things I have signed up for or promised or whatever...I love the colors, the weather (minus the wind), my kiddos all bundled up to play and then returning for hot cocoa with red noses...I love it all...we also have a day of remembering our sweet Josie's birthday, November 14th. Then my love for fall grows a little weary and every day is a little bit harder to celebrate.
This time three years ago is the only time I got to spend with her...from November 14th to February 6th. So every year during these few months I think about what I was doing then, 3 years ago, and how we had Thanksgiving at my house because I had just come home from the hospital, and then Christmas at GG and Papa's with her JUMBO stocking bigger than her, full of goodies from GG. Ella does not remember any of this...Ava will never know her other big sister...these thoughts flood my mind and even as time goes on, it is still hard.
I heard a song last week about how "I can see Heaven through the face of my little girl." It made me think of how beautiful Heaven must really be if I can see it through Josie's sweet face. I know it is just a song written by a man , but it pulled on my heart in so many ways. I am reminded...it is OK to be mad and upset...it is OK to cry...it is OK to want her back...but what I remember through all of that is she is in Heaven, where all of the rest of us want to be. And for now, I am here, and have a family to take care of and babies to rock and read to...I am here so I really have to be here.